• Nastavi


But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t brag and deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil. ; James 3:14-16, the Bible, NIV.

Religious, I am not. But I am not one to ignore wisdom because of its origin. Jealousy is evil and corrupts ones heart and mind. Jealousy is irrational and blinds those who let it persevere. Ten years ago during my very first relationship, I was more jealous than I've ever been. It grew alongside my insecurities and I was coming undone. It was manageable for the first year or two, but at some point it revealed itself. Never did I feel so much distance from myself and from the world. Every day I lost myself a little bit more.

Those extreme days are in the past. My first relationship did not end well as you might have guessed. I take full responsibility for how it ended, and I am not proud of myself. Hiding behind excuses is easy. I was young, insecure, naïve and afraid. My parents divorced when I was in my early teens. The past does not define who I am, my deeds do though. At the end I discovered that my partner cheated on my. I was furious with her and blamed her for betraying me and my trust. But who am I to talk. Never did I even try to show her I trusted because frankly, I don't think I ever did. After years I started to realize, maybe I was the cause of that misfortune.

Jealousy will never persevere ever again. I've learned from the past. In my second relationship, I can honestly tell you that I have only been jealous a few times. But that jealousy was very similar to fear, and hard to distinguish. Again and again, insecurity and the loss of controle were the source of my emotions. I started doubting myself again. Am I unable to change? Even after all these years? I was too hard on myself though. Compared to the first relationship, I almost never let my emotions get the better of me. Until the breakup of course, but that was anger and that's another topic.

My current relationship is somewhere in the middle to be honest. Never have I trusted anyone as much as her. At the same time, never did I fear to lose anyone as much as her. Subconsciously I've been desiring and admiring her for years. Sometimes the beasts shows itself. I lose control of my emotions and become irrational. Immediately I regret it and I feel ashamed. If I may quote her words; after yearning for years and obtaining what we finally want, nothing should be able to come in between us. Nothing should be able to shake our strong foundations.

Sometimes I cannot help but feel like the beast is lurking from the deep waters within, waiting for the opportunity to surface. The current is strong though, and the beast is currently not powerful enough to fully reach the surface. But I can't help but feel that it's still there somewhere. It's big body causes small waves that manage to billow on the shore. Hopefully it will never show itself again. Whenever it tries, my partner is able to tame the beast. It calms down and sinks to the bottom of those deep, deep waters. The cycle repeats itself. I want it too. As long as these events are the same magnitude, I think it will be manageable forever. I hope she feels the same way. Only time will tell.

I'm not sure what the bible says about desire, but it has its perks and flaws. The amount that I desire her is insane. And now that we are in a relationship, I can't help but feel it comes with great responsibility. Three days ago was our half-year anniversary. I promise I will do my best to maintain this beast, and whenever I feel troubled, I will openly speak about it with her and ask for her help. This beast is too strong for me to tame all by myself sometimes. But she is able to. She is the only one that's able to.

“Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.” Luke 6:21

- Nastavi

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