State of chaos
The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster for me. I've learned a valuable life lesson. Don't, EVER, have a child with someone unless you are absolutely 100% certain you will spend the rest of your life with that person. Also, if it's not planned and there's even the slightest feeling that one of you is not ready, just don't do it. Just don't. I am in no way a fan of abortion, absolutely not. Just.. don't let it come to that. There is also no shame in deciding to get one. I am a strong believer in free will.
Not all anti-conception works all the time. Even the smallest complication can lead to an unexpected pregnancy. From my experience, even though you might feel ready, the other potential parent might not be. And the gender does not matter. As the father, I did absolutely everything from the beginning of the pregnancy, to the break-up two years after birth. Here comes a second life lesson: Someone might not reveal their true self for years, only life changing events might show a bit of the face behind the mask.
Never was I one to trust someone easily. Nevertheless, due to my own naivety and lack of life experience, I made a rash decision. I love my child, with all my heart. But her mother made sure cloud nine was not a soft, nice and fluffy cloud, but one that represented the apocalyptic Mayan predictions of 2012. There was no room for joy, no time for excitement and no energy for slacking. No happiness or satisfaction. Not even a grim during the last period of the pregnancy. A lot had to be done. I did that lot, and believe me.. It won't ever be enough.
I'm done venting my emotions. Wholehearted can I tell you that I wrote this without any leftover feelings. I'm simply all out. Even if one decides to pop-up, my medication makes sure it goes straight back where it came from. I've made big mistakes in the past. I can imagine there's a few questions that might come up, like: "Do you regret having a child?", or "If you could change the past, would you?".
Yes. I do regret it, and yes I would. Honestly it doesn't matter how much I love my child. I am biologically bound the child, as is the mother. Though by nature, the feelings from a mother should differ, some would say they're stronger than those of the dad. Experience however showed me the opposite. Would things have been different, I would've been able to show more affection. A certain distance has been created between me and the child. A distance that wouldn't have existed if I were able to enjoy cloud nine. I didn't mind doing everything that needed to be done.
Like finding and buying a house as a single soon-to-be dad, while working full time in healthcare and being underpaid and under-appreciated. I found her a job you know. Sure, it was a small freelance job with low payment. But I saw how much it bothered her that she wasn't able to contribute financially in any way. So I did everything in my power to help her. After a few months, she started earning more money that I did. Frankly, I don't care much about money or income, I was more than happy that I could help.
While I feel capable enough to be a father, I do have my flaws. Still, I believe I can be a great dad. I speak in future tense because I am not yet the dad I wish to be. Back when I was still together with my ex, I was never able to be the person I wanted to be. I was told I wasn't good enough, over and over again. My traits that arise from my ADHD were neither tolerated in private, nor in public. She thought that by correcting my instinctual behaviour, it would disappear eventually. In case you might think the same: it does not. In contrary, it makes it worse.
After one of the hardest breakups ever, I now have to deal with the remains of a long, toxic relationship. It was hard because we both decided to commit to something, or rather someone, bigger than ourselves. Figuratively speaking. Right after that commitment, her mask came off. Ofcourse we had some fights before the pregnancy. But I thought fighting in a relationship was normal, no matter the severity. Everyone goes through that, right? Well, yes and no.
Occasional quibbles are normal, sure. A loud discussion and misunderstandings, yeah that's pretty normal if it occurs every ones in a while. Regular fights about relatively small things? No, that's not normal. That's toxic. Without me knowing, it severely damaged my mental, and therefore physical health. It's like a pressure ulcer. The longer you are in the same position, the bigger the wound grows without you even really realising what's going on. It starts off as a small red spot, but becomes a gaping hole in the body if left unattended and untreated.
Several mental changes were notable for the people close to me. Becoming more introverted, growing a fear of crowds and confrontations, less and less enthusiasm for things that should be exciting and increasing pessimism are a few examples. My medication no longer worked as it should. Upping my dose only helped me a little bit, but the side effects increased as well. Increased heart rate, blood pressure and headaches.. anxiety.. restless and tired at the same time.. I switched to a different kind of medication, hoping it would reduce the side effects. It worked, for the time being.
Two weeks ago I switched again. I needed a medication that was able to confine my emotions. Being sued over a small sum of money by the person you did everything for in the past, is taking its toll. At the same time, my job became a lot harder due to COVID-19 outbreaks, I was scared that my moms cancer grew back, my mother in law is going through the same, maybe even worse, as my own mom. In the mean time, I try to be the best version of a dad, boyfriend and employee as I can be. Though I feel like I am disappointing all parties.
Everyone around me is extremely supportive. I love those who are close to me, and I am forever grateful. I try to protect them from my mess as much as I can, even though I know they don't mind at all. I simply cannot put them though more of my shite. I need to dig very deep.. I need to find a way to continue and reach the end of this constant state of chaos. I want my peace.. my serenity..
I didn't proofread my post, and I wish I was able to post more often.. Thank you for reading this. I hope that this will help someone to prevent making the same mistake as I did. If you have even the slightest feeling that your relationship is not what you expected it to be, do not waste your time for even one more minute. The right person is out there for you. And you deserve nothing but the best. Don't worry about appearing like the bad guy (or girl).
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happier and doing anything you can to obtain total happiness. Life is too short to waste, and there is too little time to think about what others might think about you. If there's one thing I regret the most, it is not ending it at the very first sign that this might not have been what I was looking for. I wasted precious time. People say time is never wasted. Every experience helps you grow as a person. Excuse my French but that's total bullshit. I might have never had to experience all this chaos if I were true to my feelings. And if this is growth, I'd rather stop growing.
Hoping for life to slow down is an illusion, someone said to me once. Tragedies will replace each other, one way or another. But f*ck that. Grant this atheist some form of hope. As long as I believe a long period of serenity will occur, it will at some point. I just have to continue until I arrive at my destination.