• Nastavi

The Subtle Art

Bijgewerkt op: 13 feb.

Of not giving a f*ck. It's the title of a book that became well known in a very short period of time in my country. I've read it, and the writer has a point. There's only a small comment I'd like to make which I'm sure considers a lot of people.

Yes, I am able to not give a f*ck. I'm sure many people can. The problem is, when everyone close to you does give a f*ck, and all your actions have consequences for both you and them, it suddenly becomes a lot harder. My ex-partner and I are unable to speak to each other without it becoming a huge fight after the first sentence. Therefor my father volunteered to become the middleman. He is able to turn off his emotions and make decisions that equally benefit both parties. But until lately, the burden is becoming heavier and heavier for him, even though he'll probably never admit it.

While I am trying to stay out of their (which is actually my) business, she becomes more unreasonable by the second and even he is starting to have a hard time now. My mother and I are the same, we let our emotions get the better of us if we feel wronged and we are unable to make rational decisions or comments. My SO on the other hand is a lot like my father. But she's a little more sharp-edged. She offered to help me out with taking over all communication that is left between me and my ex. And I feel guilty about it.

I'd love to not give a f*ck. I really really want to.. but please.. I'm asking you personally.. How am I supposed to do that? If I didn't have my social support system, I would fall apart. For their sake I am trying the best that I can to keep my frustration under control. My apologies for not writing as much as I wanted to. My personal situation is burning me out. My biggest fear is, that at some point, I really do stop giving a f*ck. That might mean the end of everything they've achieved so far.

Getting this of my chest calms me down a little. At times I miss my martial art. My lessons. My Aikido. A mental state where nothing is in between you and your foe. Where I focus my energy to my hara (stomach) and feel the tatami (mat) under my feet. Nothing else. Only motion, no emotion. Complete zen. But what sports like martial arts and games have in common, they are simply a temporary escape from reality. Once you bow towards your sensei or you log out of your game, real life continues..

- Nastavi

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