• Nastavi


Five days since I've left my country for the holiday. It feels like I've been here for weeks. At the same time it feels like I've just arrived. For years I've dreamt about this particular moment. My vacation is filled with dejavu. Not once have I experienced this, even though it feels so, so familiar.

A few years ago, it was love at first sight. We both didn't realize what it was, or what it could be. We were drawn to each other like magnets. Our surroundings tried to explain to us what this weird feeling might be. But we couldn't comprehend a feeling we've never experienced before. At the time, we were both in a long-term relationship. And fully in denial.

It was only after a few weeks that I started dreaming about her. I woke up with a smile on my face even though I was generally stressed and unhappy. The circumstances made us see each other about thirty-two hours per week, or more. I've spent a lot of time with her. More than I've spent with anyone else. Little did I realize what could potentially grow out of this.

Months passed and I got to know her more and more every day. Details about private life we're not spared, from neither side. Emotions were shared. We've been through a lot together. At work, we both tried to save people's lives. Almost every time we succeeded, although sometimes fate decided otherwise. The Grim Reaper was always around, almost like a colleague. We've encountered many inevitable deaths and sometimes revivals. We lost a colleague our age. We protected each other in dangerous situations. We laughed our buttocks off, and we cried. We were stressed, and relaxed. But most importantly, we felt extremely happy and comfortable just being around each other. It was an innocent kind of love. We didn't know what it was. We were either naive, or we chose to be.

These were the building blocks of our unbreakable foundation. Our personalities match, like you've probably read before. Her relationship ended, pretty badly. And so did mine, a little while after. I told her I loved her, almost shouted it. It was like I had completely lost control over my body. Only after saying it, I realized what I just did. This was an all or nothing moment. I froze.

"I love you too." is what she said. I looked her straight in the eyes. Mine were wide open, like a deer in a headlight. I didn't expect this response. I didn't even realize what just happened. All I know is that it took a little while before we continued our conversation.

Now, almost half a year later, we are both in a hotel room in another country. A romantic setting, with lots of sunlight, swimming and massages. It feels unreal. Like a dream come true. Even after five days it does not feel real at all.

A few days ago she told me, in a taxicab while driving to the airport, that it doesn't feel like we are in a relationship. I was a little confused but somehow I knew exactly what she meant. She said that it felt like how everything is supposed to be. Just that, nothing more nothing less. And you know what? She's right. I wouldn't change a thing. Not even our past. Everything that happened, happened for a reason. It made us stronger as a person. We developed. We grew. We continued.

- Nastavi

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