• Nastavi


Since a few days, my mood has changed for the better. With the help of this post, I want to analyse what might be the cause of my sudden change. How do I explain.. I have this feeling of nostalgia for the present. It's similar to how I normally feel about good times in the past. I noticed that I appreciate the little things like the taste of my sandwich, the smell of grass, the feel of wind. It's been a while since I was able to appreciate the small things. I hope the feeling will last, for as long as possible. What changed?

Well, first of all, my child is with my ex-partner this period. Let's be fair, things are a lot less stressful when there's no child around. Soon the child will stay with me again, I wonder if this has any impact on the way I feel.

My financial dispute seems to reach an end slowly. Even though this result is not entirely in my advantage, the fact that it's coming to an end is reassuring enough for me. This whole situation triggers me the most. And sometimes it's impossible to snap out of it. It's a negative, downwards spiral.

It's sunnier outside. Some say they suffer from winter depression. I always thought that was nonsense. In the past, I was at my best in fall and winter. I enjoyed staying inside. Hot chocolate in my hands, nice music in the background, decorating the house with fallen leafs, chestnuts and pumpkins. Losing myself in videogames and try to forget all the sh*t that's happening around me.

For as long as I can remember, I always loved staying indoors. Doing my thing, I didn't need friends, family or acquaintances around me. I wouldn't call myself an introvert, I knew how to communicate and behave around people. I just preferred being alone. When I was little I liked going outside and play equally as much as staying inside.

But with my partner, I enjoy the outside world as well. She has to literally drag me outside of the house sometimes, but in the end, I always appreciate it. I feel bad that she sometimes has to make quite a lot of effort to take me somewhere. I don't want her to dislike going outside with me, in contrary.. I want her to enjoy everything. Where this fear of the outside comes from, I do not know. The worst thing for me, are the crowds of people.

There's a few things that I enjoyed about COVID-19, and one of it is the 1.5m distance people had to keep. As a healthcare worker, I know the downside of the virus as well, relax. I've seen it all. But you cannot deny that even the most disgusting people finally consider washing their hands after going to the toilet. And the foulest of breaths were contained within a mask. I loved it. Also, I was able to hide my face wherever I was. This sense of anonymity soothed my mind.

My SO supports me 24/7. I feel understood, and safe whenever I am around her. The fact that I know she'll be there when I come home, gives me peace of mind. Sure, sometimes she works different hours and I see her a little later but that's ok. I know she'll be around. I honestly have no idea what I'm supposed to do without her. She completes me and makes me feel accepted for who I am. I want to grow old with her. As old as possible. I wish fate will be on my side.

Which factor contributed the most to my uplifted mood, I do not know. I can only conclude that it's the combination of all aspects that make me a happy person today. With the mood swings I've been experiencing for the last three years, I hope this mood will stay a little longer. Difficult, yet beautiful times lie ahead. The new era of serenity I spoke of a few posts back, may no longer be in the far far distance.

This posts may not be very well articulated. I wrote this in kind of a rush I hope you don't mind. Thank you for sticking around!

- Nastavi

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